Teach Mom Learn

Today is 7 years to the day Tom and I went on our first date. We met a few years before that at work, and our jobs were stressful and dangerous. Working with students with severe special needs meant the occasional physical attack, and in those moments, Tom was consistently there to help.

One Monday afternoon, after a particularly chaotic week where he saved my life and sanity more than once, he asked me to meet him for a drink. I was 5 days away from moving into my first apartment and feeling panicked and overwhelmed, so I texted back a polite refusal.

However, after encouragement from my parents and my friend, who was working at a local restaurant that day, I texted him back and asked if he’d like to meet there. He agreed immediately, and what I didn’t know was that he actually left a family dinner at a restaurant across town to meet me.

We shared hot pretzels and talked and laughed for a few hours. Because we’d known each other for so long, the conversation flowed easily. Our mutual bartender friend, who had been pushing for this date long before it began, brought drinks and interjected during any quiet pauses.

That Saturday, he spent the entire day helping me move into my apartment. He showed up before the movers, all my other friends, and even my parents. The next day, we went to my favorite park. And then we hung out 3 more times that week.

Within the first month, Tom was my unofficial roommate, which I didn’t mind at all because, as it turns out, I hated living alone! Within 6 months, we had given up our separate apartments to move in together. I remember broaching the conversation with my parents and being pleasantly surprised when they loved the idea.

Of course, they got engaged after 2 months of dating and have been married 36 years today, so knowing what we want runs in the family. Happy anniversary, Mom and Dad!

Three weeks after we moved in together, Tom gave me Rosie, the best Christmas present ever. The three of us were a little family, cozy and happy in our new home.

Tom proposed at my favorite park on our 2 year anniversary (exactly 5 years ago). We got married a year and a half later and had Rae just about 2 years after that.

These 7 years haven’t always been easy. We’ve had our great phases and our rough ones. We’ve had perfect moments and terrible fights. We’ve been there for each other through horrible losses and through our highest highs. And through it all, we’ve learned a lot about love, relationships, and each other.

Today, I want to share the 7 biggest lessons I’ve learned in 7 years with Tom in hopes that they can help you make your own relationship even better!

1. Keep it real from the very beginning

How often have you told a white lie on a first date to make yourself seem more compatible or interesting? I’ve definitely told dates I follow football (I don’t) or acted like I knew much more about their interests than I actually did.

If the relationship doesn’t go anywhere, there’s no harm in little white lies. But no one goes into a first date hoping it goes nowhere. And if the date does turn into a long-term relationship, you have 2 options -admit you lied or pretend until you get caught.

By being honest from the very beginning, you’re saving yourself from the potential awkwardness and mistrust that will occur when you’re inevitably busted for your little white lie.

2. Don’t expect them to read your mind

Ugh, not going to lie, I still struggle with this one. But I’m working on it!

Your significant other may be the person you talk to, trust, and spend time with the most, but because you don’t actually share the same mind, you can’t expect them to know what you’re thinking.

Because of this, they won’t always say or do what you need them to. They’re going to drive you nuts, and they will forget things that are important to you. And when you get angry, they will have absolutely no idea why.

I’ve found that the best way around this is to work on communication. Telling your significant other exactly what you need makes a huge difference.

If you want solutions, ask for help. If you want them to just listen to you, tell them. If you just need to say nothing and be wrapped in a bear hug, say that.

By telling your partner exactly what you need, you’re advocating for yourself and helping them avoid the stress of trying to figure it out. It’s definitely a win-win!

3. Take care of each other

This is one of Tom’s contribution to the post. In a relationship, it’s critical to give as much as you get, but there are going to be times where they need you more than you need them. In those moments, set your own needs aside and be as supportive as you can.

It’s also important to recognize that what helps you get through a tough time may not be what the other person needs. Learning their coping skills helps you to be a more supportive partner.

When I’m truly upset, I need hugs, The Office, a chat with my parents, and a dessert of some kind. Tom consistently makes all of those things happen. He used to try to get me to talk about it, but we both realized that did not work for me.

Tom’s coping skills are totally different than mine. He needs to talk about everything and analyze it from many different angles. He prefers having his head rubbed to hugs, and at times, he needs to be left alone.

We didn’t handle this well when we were first together. It took years for us to learn how to support the other person in the way they needed us to. But now that we know, life has gotten much easier during even the most challenging times.

4. Know which hills are worth dying on

There are going to be a million things your partner does that drive you nuts. And you won’t know about 999,982 of these things for while. So you’re going to have to learn to adapt a lot, but so will they.

Tom never snored the 1st 6 months we were dating. The night we moved in together, he snored like a freight train full of lumberjacks using chainsaws going over a rickety metal bridge. I’ll never understand how that little surprise never popped up before that moment.

And that’s far from the only thing. Tom had no idea how stubborn I actually am until about 2.5 years in. I had no idea how he chewed gum until a month and a half ago. Every year brings new annoying quirks with it, and frustration is inevitable.

As a stubborn person, this is hard for me to accept, but so critically important: pick your battles. Recognize what you can live with and what you can’t. Understand that your partner is never going to be a perfect person, but you aren’t either.

When an issue comes up that is big and worth fighting through, hash it out completely. But if something is small enough that you can cringe inwardly and move on, let it go. If couples fought about every little thing that drove us crazy about each other, we’d never stop fighting.

5. Know that you’re the student and the teacher

This is Tom’s 2nd contribution to the list, and he’s completely right. Tom says that we are constantly learning things from each other. We also have to be ready and willing to teach our partners things they may not know.

Neither person is always right or knows everything, as hard as that may be to accept sometimes (trust me, I know from experience). But you can work together to teach each other life skills, coping skills, how to overcome challenges, and so much more.

How I Met Your Mother had a season 5 episode called “Legendaddy” in which the group talks about their gaps -things they should have learned by adulthood but never did. Enjoy the clip from YouTube below:

We all have many gaps, but that’s where our partners come in. Tom and I are well aware of ours and often joke that since our strengths are completely opposite one another, together, we make one whole person.

Focus on each other’s strengths, help each other learn, and if you come across something where you’re both totally clueless, take it as an opportunity to grow together!

6. Build in quality time together, but be comfortable with space

There is a huge difference between time and quality time. As busy adults, and especially now that we’re parents, we try to focus on spending quality time together. But we also both like our own time.

What works for us is splitting up the time between when we put Rae to bed and when we go to bed ourselves. We spend about half that time hanging out watching TV or talking, and then the other half is used for our own time. I write, read, or crochet, and Tom plays games with his friends and watches some shows I don’t like.

This balance works perfectly for our relationship because we’re getting what we both need. You may need a different balance. Talk with your partner explicitly to figure out what works best for each of you.

And remember, choosing to spend time apart is not a bad thing. It enables you to cultivate your own interests outside of your relationship, which is important for feeling fulfilled.

For the time you do spend together, check out these cheap, easy ideas for busy parents to help make your next date night more special! Or check out these 30 great date ideas from Zero Waste Memoirs!

7. Make a list

For times when Tom is driving me especially crazy, I have something I like to call The “Only Tom” List. These are the things that only Tom would ever do for me (or anyone else I care about). Here are some examples:

Only Tom would:

• Watch a Brad Mondo YouTube tutorial to teach himself how to cut my hair and then actually do it perfectly (3 times now! And he dyed it twice too)
• Use a giant cat bed and all our throw pillows to construct a bed for me next to the toilet when I had food poisoning
• Get in line at 6:30AM with me on a Sunday when Lilly Pulitzer released their Target line, then roam the store finding Lilly Pulitzer housewares and make up for me while I got distracted in the clothing section
• Cook 99% of our quarantine meals using only a grill, one working stove burner, and our toaster oven (the oven broke a week into quarantine) and have them all come out great
• Spend all of his free time for a week at my parents’ house with me when one of my cats was dying of cancer. He was also worried I wasn’t eating enough and brought ice cream for me and my cat
• Spend a year packing my school lunches for me, including dessert
• Wake up for every single feeding with Rae during his paternity leave
• Make little drawings inside of all of my cards, each one funnier than the last

My mom knows this list well, and she’s usually the one I rant to when I’m most frustrated. She reminds me of these items, and they make whatever frustration is bothering seem much smaller in comparison.

Make your own “Only (Insert Partner’s Name Here)” List. Write down all of the special things only they will ever do for you. It’s a great exercise in gratitude. It helps you focus on your partner’s many positive traits and remember why you’re with them in the first place.

What lessons have you learned in your relationship? What’s on your “Only ____” List? Please share in the comments below!