Teach Mom Learn

Mom guilt is real, and it is vicious.  It creeps in when we least expect it, and it drags our joy down into a world of questioning ourselves.

Are we good enough? Are we fun enough? Do our children know how much we love them? Are we good enough partners? Have we given enough of ourselves to work and home? Is there something more we could be doing?

These feelings are not fair, but they’re also incredibly common.  I think many of us, particularly the overachievers, have a hard time acknowledging that we are never going to be perfect. 

I know I definitely struggle with this all the time.  But, as Tom constantly reminds me, guilt is not a productive emotion.  And prolonged guilt is just beating yourself up for no reason. 

Being a mom is portrayed in every form of media as an immense sacrifice, a constant denial of the self so that you can better serve others.  I’ve even read blogs where the moms come right out and say that if you’re not able to stay home with your kids or give them homemade playdough or make a perfect dinner from scratch every night, you’re simply not sacrificing enough. 

The mentality seems to be that we give every last piece of ourselves, and that isn’t healthy.  Being a mom shouldn’t be a sacrifice, it’s actually the best gift of our lives.  And while there are sacrifices involved, that shouldn’t be what defines this phase of our lives. 

I’m tired of moms feeling guilty for being human, but I’m even more tired of society making this guilt and martyrdom the norm.  By constantly denying our own needs and hiding our humanity, we are perpetuating this terrible stereotype. 

And for those of us with little girls who may someday be mothers, we’re showing them that this is the norm. 

So the next time you start to feel the mom guilt move in, I want you to stop and think about all the things you’ve done well on that day.  Think of the ways you made your kids smile, or the challenges you were able to meet. 

I’d be willing to bet that even despite the reason for your guilt, 90% of your day was a success. 

Releasing guilt is an immensely challenging task, but I want to challenge you to view your guilt in a different way.  What if your mom guilt was actually proof that you want to be your best self for your child? What if it is actually a clear indication that you’re succeeding?

Feeling guilt means you’re invested in doing better next time and that you want to grow.  When you start to question yourself, view it as an indicator that you care, and then try to let yourself move forward, treating the guilt as a lesson that you can carry with you rather than an albatross around your neck. 

To make this task a bit easier, I want to help cut down on the endless list of things you feel guilty about.  So here are 12 things you can forgive yourself for right now:

1) Needing some time to yourself. Every second with your child is a precious gift.  Their smiles, their little jokes, the games they make up and absolutely love -so much cuteness that your heart feels like it’s on the brink of exploding all the time.  So you couldn’t dream of spending a second away from your sweet baby, right? Wrong. 

There are going to be days where you want to spend time doing something for yourself.  It could be once a week, or it could be daily, but when that happens, set time aside for yourself and do what you’d like to do. 

Personally, I’ve found that the best way to do this is to build it into Rae’s sleep schedule.  I write, read, crochet, paint, or whatever else I feel like during her naps and in the 2 hours between her bedtime and mine, and that’s what works for me. 

There’s nothing wrong with self-care and with taking the time you need to recharge yourself.  It’s that all too common airplane metaphor -you put the oxygen mask on yourself before you help others.  If you take some time to breathe and take care of yourself, you’ll be much better able to take care of your little love.

And if you truly aren’t able to get sometime to yourself (because sometimes you can’t), here are some strategies to Share Your Self-Care with your toddler.

2) Breaking sleep training (or whatever else people tell you is best for your baby).  We’ve all read the guidebooks, websites, and parent forums.  Everyone from your mother to strangers at the grocery store share their opinions about your parenting as if you actually want to hear what they have to say (you don’t, but you’re too polite to say that).  And the one concrete answer to every parenting question is…nothing.  Because there is no 100% correct way to handle any situation. 

I had an incredibly wise psychology professor in college who told us over and over again, “Everything works for some people sometimes.”  And he could not be more correct. 

Sleep training may be a godsend for you and your baby, or it may be a nightmare.  Or, if your baby is like mine, it’s a random assortment of both.  Instead of trusting the incredibly varied research and opinions, trust yourself.  You know your child better than anyone in the world. 

Fight through challenges when it’s worth it to do so.  And when it’s not, just give in.  You and your baby will be much happier once you let the all-or-nothing mentality go.

3) Feeling frustrated.  You are human.  Babies and toddlers, despite being the most wonderful things in the entire world, require a lot from you.  And there are moments where the screaming, throwing things, headbutting you in the face, pulling your hair, vomiting, peeing, and pooping (among other things) will get to you. 

99% of the time, you’ll just take a breath, smile, and chat your way through, but then there’s the 1% of the time where you can’t.  You’ve had enough, and one more scream is going to make you scream. 

Guess what.  That’s okay! It’s perfectly normal to feel that way sometimes.  We can’t control our feelings, and frustration is a normal reaction to mentally and physically draining experiences. 

But what we can control is our reaction.  So when you’re getting to the point when you know you can’t take it anymore, put your child somewhere safe and go take a few minutes to yourself. 

Acknowledging the feelings and doing something to relieve them is far more effective than shoving them deep down inside you.  And you’ll be far more helpful to your little nugget after you’ve taken the time to help yourself.

4) Not being the mom you planned to be.  Remember when you first got pregnant? And you just knew you’d be making all your own baby food from scratch? And learning how to quilt? And never allowing screen time? And still staying on top of your career? And in perfect shape?  Yup, me too. 

And as I type this, I’m eating cookies in my living room while my baby sleeps on the couch next to me at 9PM because she cried so hard that I pulled her out of the crib at bedtime (not a night for sleep training). 

Oh, and that organic, homemade baby food? Never happened.  Rae was afraid of the blender. 

Nothing else is the way I thought it would be either.  That perfect mom I had in my mind doesn’t actually exist.  And that’s okay because in this case, the reality is better than the imaginary. 

Yes, I don’t make my baby food, quilt, or exercise very often (does chasing Rae count? If it does, I never stop exercising).  And yes, I allow screens because Rae adores Sesame Street music videos and Raffi.  But I also love this little girl more than I ever thought was possible before I met her, and that will impact her far more than perfection. 

5) Wanting a break from your partner.  From 8 to 10PM, 5 nights a week, my husband and I go our separate ways.  He plays a video game with his friends, and I read or binge watch TV and write, crochet, or play games on my phone.  

We used to hang out every minute of every night.  Initially, I fought this arrangement, thinking that it meant something negative for our relationship.  But then I realized that I no longer had to take 45 minutes to watch a 22-minute episode of The Office so Tom could pause it to ask questions (You have no idea how long it takes us to get through an episode of something more complex, like Supernatural). 

I had time to watch Real Housewives with a glass of wine and no comments about how ridiculous the franchise is.  Or read a book without being interrupted 57 times per chapter. 

We still get our time together, and to be honest, I appreciate it more because there is less of it. I feel like we’re spending time together because we want to, not because there’s nothing else to do. 

So if you feel like you need some nights to yourself, take them.  It’s nice to get to focus solely on yourself sometimes.

6) Struggling to Maintain Relationships.  Being a mom is a full-time job.  It doesn’t matter if you’re a stay-at-home mom or a working mom because either way, you are on duty from the second you wake up to the moment your children fall asleep. 

By the time they’re asleep, you’re ready to curl up and go to sleep yourself.  Then there’s dishes, laundry, tidying up the house, dealing with whatever is crusted to the highchair tray, and trying to catch up with your partner. 

And if you’re a homeowner, you may as well add in another full-time job to account for all the phone calls you need to make for the 17 things that are broken at the same time. 

All of this together makes it super challenging to add anything else to your plate, even the things you want to do.  And sadly, all too often, our social lives are what suffer the most.  

It is incredibly hard to maintain relationships, and I’m so grateful for my friends because no matter how long we’ve gone without talking, we pick up exactly where we left off. 

This is one of these situations where it is easy to feel very guilty, but the best thing to do is forgive yourself and to just try to do better in the future.  Your friend will be just as thrilled to get an out-of-the-blue text as you would be.

7) Taking a Night Off.  I don’t know about you, but I can’t go to bed until the dishes are done.  It goes back to the time there was a rat in my college dorm, and the idea of food sitting in my sink, luring creatures into my house while I sleep makes my skin crawl. 

But, there are some nights where I just can’t deal with them.  And I don’t want to fold Mount Laundry even though it’s been sitting on my couch for 3 days.  And I can’t deal with preparing my lunch for the next day.  And I don’t want to look at emails. 

Know what the best thing to do on these nights is? Absolutely nothing. 

As hard as it is not to feel guilty about making a conscious choice to do nothing, you should think about how unfair it is to force yourself to do things you’re just not up for. 

I’m not saying to get so completely behind that your house lures all the local rats, but a night free from responsibilities every so often is unquestionably a good thing.

8) Saying No.  Each of us has something we struggle to say no to.  For me, it’s work commitments.  For others, it may be setting boundaries with family or taking on too many tasks at once.  Saying no feels like admitting failure, but that’s very much not the case. 

Saying no is actually a very smart thing to do.  It helps you limit your responsibilities to those you actually care about.  It helps you establish firm and consistent boundaries with the people in your life so that you are able to avoid anxiety and frustration.  It helps you to prioritize yourself and your family. 

Saying no is a superpower we are all too often afraid to use.  So the next time you have to say no to something, please remember this -you’re not just saying no, you’re saying yes to you, your family, and what you need to be happy.

9) Being overprotective.  This is something I think far too many moms get too much criticism for, myself included.  But there is nothing wrong with wanting to keep your child safe. 

I was raised by overprotective parents, and I’m definitely one myself.  Tom claims not to be, but the second he sees Rae with her first boyfriend, he’ll be worse than I am.  And I’m completely okay with that. 

Some people say that being too overprotective will make your child too sheltered when they grow up, and they’ll push too far the other way, but I strongly disagree. 

The key is to be effectively overprotective.  You can’t just say no for no reason, and you can’t shelter your child from everything.  Sometimes, they have to learn difficult lessons.  And sometimes, you have to let them take (calculated) risks. 

Help them understand what is safe and what isn’t.  Focus on the why behind your choice. 

Overprotective parents become that little voice in your head when you’re about to make a questionable choice, and by teaching your child the appropriate way to approach these situations, you are saving them so much hurt in the long run.  

10) Having emotions.  Has anyone else noticed how much stronger your emotions are after you become a parent? It’s like all of a sudden, any time something terrible comes on the news, you’re thinking about how that could’ve been your child.  Historical events hit differently, books you’ve read before now make you sob, and any commercial with a sick child reduces you to a puddle. 

And then there’s the events in your own life. 

As much as we try to stay positive in front of our children, sometimes, we have sad days.  Relatives die, pandemics cause immense emotional stress, or sometimes, work is just really difficult.  Our instincts are to push these feelings down until after the kids go to bed, but when we try to do that, they come out in weird ways. 

There’s usually a formula for these moments.  First, something happens in your life to throw off your emotional balance.  Then, you have another stress added to your plate. You’re holding it together, but barely.  And then, there’s a small trigger.  Maybe you see a commercial with an especially cute dog that needs a home.  And then you’re crying.  I’ve been there, believe me. 

But it’s important to remember that our children learn from us all the time.  Bottling up emotions is not a healthy behavior to teach them, but it’s a hard habit to break.  We’re used to just powering through until a breakdown, but do we want our kids to do that too? Absolutely not. 

We should never feel guilty for our emotions.  They are normal and human.  And I actually think it’s a good thing for our children to see us vulnerable because then we are normalizing the emotions that they feel too.

I’ve been trying to get into the habit of explaining why I feel the way I do to Rae even though she’s too young to understand it.  By labeling the emotion and explaining why it’s there, you’re setting the example for your child to stop and try to understand their own feelings. 

I’ve actually found that it helps me too.  By getting ahead of emotions before they become overwhelming, we can better process them and set the example so that our children will adopt these healthy habits too.  And that’s something to be proud of.

11) Taking a Personal Day.  When was the last time you took a mental health day? It’s enough of a struggle to take a sick day because you never want to waste one on a day where you didn’t actually need it.  But the idea of a day off for your mental health probably seems extreme.  

I strongly disagree. 

We often forget that our mental health is just as important as our physical health.  We get caught up in the daily grind of getting everything done, becoming more and more drained until we end up completely exhausted.  And then, we end up sick anyway. 

It’s an unhealthy cycle, and one that I definitely need to break too. 

Some workplaces are completely on board with mental health days and even encourage them.  Others may not.  As a teacher, I always feel immense guilt missing a day of work because I feel like I’m letting my students down, so I’ve found a compromise that works for me -actually using my personal time. 

Teachers in my district get 3 personal days a year, and normally, I use 1.  This year, when I feel myself hitting a wall, I put in a request for a personal day the following week since we need to give a week’s notice.  Then I know that no matter how overwhelmed I get, a day with just me and Rae is less than a week away.  And then I go back to work the next day refreshed and ready to take on whatever new challenges come up. 

So please, use your personal time, or vacation time, or whatever your work calls it.  That time exists for a reason, and you should make the most of it.  And if you ever wake up one morning and just know that you cannot get through your day, take a sick day and take care of yourself. 

12) Asking for help.  You know those moments when you feel like you’re spinning plates?

There’s a huge meeting at work tomorrow.  Your dishwasher is broken, so you need to build an extra 30 minutes into your routine to wash everything.  And dinner needs to be made. And you’re out of clean underwear so you have to do laundry.  And your cat seems to have another ear infection, so it’s time to bring her to the vet. 

And…and…and…the list goes on forever.  You could do it all yourself.  You’re absolutely capable of that.  But honestly, why would you?

In these moments, call your family and friends.  Take them up on their offers to help you out, let them step in and make your life easier.  You know you’d do the exact same thing for them, and you’d be so glad they reached out instead of being miserable by themselves. 

Bottom line -if your child is happy and safe, you’re doing a great job.  The next time your mom guilt starts to rear its hideous head, give yourself some grace, take a breath, and remember that you are amazing and doing the very best you can.  And that is enough.