Teach Mom Learn

Pregnancy is never an easy experience. While parts of it are amazing, like feeling your baby move for the first time, other times it’s nerve-wracking! This is especially true for new moms.

Being 6 months into my second pregnancy, I can’t help but reflect on all the worries I had during my first and all the things I wish I knew going into being a mom.

Two years ago, I suddenly became responsible for this tiny human. I was afraid to pick her up because I didn’t actually know how to. I had never spent too much time around babies, I’d changed maybe 3 diapers in my life (all pee), and when babies cried near me, my fight or flight kicked in, and I wanted to run away. 

I did not think I was equipped to be a mother. And now, after the most exhausting and best two years of my life, I know I was meant for this. And I can’t wait to do it all over again in 3 months when baby #2 comes along.

When I was pregnant the first time and very uncertain about whether I could handle being a parent, everyone constantly gave me advice.  “It’s different when it’s your own baby,” they’d say when I stressed over not being a baby person. “You’ll know what to do,” they said when I worried about my lack of experience. 

And I can’t tell you how many times I heard, “You’ll be fine,” and didn’t believe it. But it was all true. I wish I’d saved myself the stress and believed them at the time, but I didn’t because I am stubborn and need to see things for myself. 

Now that I’ve fallen in love with being a mom, I’m hopeful that I can help those just as worried as I was. So here are just a few of the things I wish I knew going in:

1. Motherhood is going to be different for everyone.  And as long as your baby is safe and cared for, there’s no wrong way to be a parent. 

Don’t beat yourself up for the choices you make and hold yourself up to impossible standards because you will make yourself crazy.  As a parent, you need to make choices to prioritize your own mental health.

If you aren’t overwhelmed, if you take care of yourself too, you can be a better mother and enjoy the time with your child more than you would if you’re stressed and forcing yourself to live up to unrealistic expectations of being the perfect mother.  You don’t need to be perfect, you just need to love your baby.

2. Getting back to your pre-baby weight will be your last priority, and your relationship with food will change.

The first few weeks as a mom, you’re probably going to forget to eat or drink because you’re so consumed with caring for your baby. It definitely gets easier, and soon enough you’ll have a routine.

Strict diet and exercise regimes are nearly impossible to stick with when you’re so focused on caring for your baby. They need you almost constantly, so it’s unrealistic to imagine you’ll have time for long exercise routines and cooking complex, healthy meals.

The key is to spend your limited free time on what you enjoy and what’s important to you. If that’s prepping for a marathon, that’s fantastic! But if it’s not, that’s fine too!

For me, this meant that instead of forcing myself through exercises I hated for the sole purpose of losing weight, I walked outside every day for an hour.  And it meant letting myself enjoy delicious food guilt free. It took me a year to get back to my pre-baby weight, but I was happy, and that’s what mattered.

3. The love you feel for your baby will be like nothing you’ve ever experienced. 

I can’t tell you how many times I heard this when I was pregnant, and while I hoped it would be true, I didn’t believe it.  And yet, in those first moments of Rae’s life, when she was still purpley and soaking wet and crying those newborn cries on my chest, there was a seismic shift in my heart. 

You may feel that love long before your baby is born. You might be like me and need to see their little face and hold them in your arms before you feel it. Or it may take a little while for the love to kick in.

Once it does, all of your priorities will change. You’ll miss your baby while they nap. You’ll be so sad to put them to bed at night because you know they’ll wake up older and different than they were the day before.

You’ll build your entire life around their joy. You’ll be a completely different person than you were before, but you wouldn’t have it any other way.

4. You will be blown away by the kindness and generosity of others, and you will find out who is truly there for you. 

When we first had my daughter, I panicked a lot.  I think every mom does. I was overwhelmed, I cried a lot, I had countless questions, and I needed help. I also didn’t want to bother anyone or have them think I was crazy.

But then they started reaching out to me, asking to come visit, bringing thoughtful care packages and soup, sending meals from local restaurants despite living in other states, answering questions, offering advice, and assuring me that I was doing a great job. 

Your friends and family want to help you. It can be hard to accept their help, especially if you want to prove to yourself that you can handle this on your own.

The truth is, you totally can handle it, but why would you want to?

When family and friends call and offer food or a respite, say yes. And then pay it forward to your new mom friends!

5. The first night home from the hospital is the hardest (at least so far). 

Two years in, and that night was still the hardest. I wish I knew that going in, but I’m glad I can at least share it with you.

The first night home is different because there are no nurses. It’s the first time you’re completely on your own, but you’re also totally exhausted.

When we brought Rae home from the hospital, it was a rough night. She cried every time we put her down in the bassinet, I cried, I yelled at Tom, Tom comforted both of us, I became convinced that she was going to suffocate on post-nasal drip from crying so much and that we were failing as parents, and we got about an hour of sleep. 

Every other night after that has been better. And it’s the same for every other mom I know. If your first night is easy, that’s great! But if not, just know that many other moms have gone through the exact same thing and completely understand how you’re feeling.

Also, if your baby isn’t sleeping well and it’s not the middle of summer, try this trick our pediatrician recommended:

Put a warm heating pad in your baby’s crib or bassinet for a few minutes before you put them to bed. That way, they won’t feel such a shock transitioning from a warm person to a cold, think mattress. Just don’t forget to take the heating pad out before you put your baby in, and definitely check out the AAP’s safe sleep guidelines.

6. Your relationship is going to change, and it’s going to be hard sometimes. 

There’s nothing as frustrating as caring for your sleeping baby while your husband snores next to you, blissfully unaware that you’ve been rocking your baby for 40 minutes trying to get her to sleep.  I’m not going to lie, in those moments, I hated my husband. You probably will too.

There’s a certain level of acceptance that comes along with parenting. Your significant other will not do everything you want them to. They won’t read your mind, and they won’t instinctively know when you need a break.

It’s hard to accept this, especially when you’re totally exhausted and not thinking clearly. But it’s reality, and they’re going to feel the same way sometimes.

You’re also going to disagree on things you never expected. Parenting brings a relationship to a whole different level, and taking care of your baby as a team can be challenging because you are not going to do everything the exact same way. Fights are going to happen, but through direct, honest communication, you can get through them.

But it’s not all sleepless nights and fights, there are a lot of positive changes too! Watching your significant other hold your baby while they smile together, seeing the silly dances they do to entertain your little love, realizing that sometimes, they instinctively knows what your baby needs even before you do, seeing the outfits they picks out…the list goes on forever.

Everyone imagines the kind of parent their significant other will be. Seeing it in action makes you love and appreciate them more, even if they drive you crazy sometimes.

7. Try not to Google.  And if you can’t help it, set a time limit.  

As an obsessive Googler, I understand how hard it is not to search for every fear you have. But it’s not productive, and having limitless information available can actually be harmful in a lot of ways. There’s so much to read and so many horror stories out there that you can easily lose hours to anxious Google searches.

All of that endless reading isn’t actually helpful. What will help is consulting real experts and legitimate sources. If the cause of your anxiety is evolving, such as something in the news, allow yourself to check its status once a day from one trusted source.

If the cause of your anxiety is something that won’t change (e.g., safe sleep guidelines, how to properly do baby-led weaning, etc.), bookmark 1 or 2 articles from a reliable source and consult them when you need a refresher. 

If you have immediate concerns or if something is really stuck in your mind, call your pediatrician’s nurse line and get real answers rather than relying off Google.  I cannot recommend that highly enough, and the nurses are kind enough to patiently answer every question or concern.

Over time, you will worry less. But those early days are hard, and that’s okay! Just know it gets easier.

8. Wear your hair up.

And stop wearing necklaces and earrings.  Babies have sweaty, sticky little hands. My daughter started accidentally pulling my hair about 2 weeks in, and she spit up in it countless times before and after that.  So for your own sanity, wear your hair up.

9. Enjoy the rainy days.  

And I mean literal rainy days and days where you have absolutely no plans.  The days you’re stuck inside are a perfect excuse for extra snuggles and being extra cozy. 

There are a million things you could be doing around your house, but every so often, take a day that’s just for you. Don’t run errands or do anything on your to do list, just try to soak in as much baby time as possible.

Soon enough, your baby will be a wild toddler, which is incredible in its own way. You’ll never regret taking extra time to do nothing but stare at them and hold them.

10. Buy a comfy yoga mat. 

As your baby gets older, chances are they will love their play mat.  Between playmats and tummy time, you’ll spend a ton of time on the floor with your baby. 

A super cushy yoga mat is a lifesaver because hours spent on a hard floor are not comfortable for anyone. And as a bonus, your extra comfy yoga mat is a great spot for your baby to experiment with rolling!

Make sure you’re comfortable while you play with your baby, you will enjoy it so much more.

11. Do what you have to when you have to. 

Parenting is a lot like probability -there’s theory and there’s reality. If you flip a coin 10 times, you expect 5 heads, but you might get 7. And every expectation you have for yourself as a parent is subject to a “sometimes.”

As in, sometimes, when your baby’s screaming and nothing you do is helping, you need to put them somewhere safe and take a minute to breathe or scream into a pillow. And sometimes, you’ll use screen time so you can eat a meal without having to get up 14 times in 5 minutes.

There are a million rules for taking care of a baby, so many things that you can and cannot do, and sometimes you need to break them. Follow the basic safety rules 100% of the time, and let the rest go. As long as your baby is safe, it’s okay.

Over time, you also learn workarounds that help. When my daughter would wake up in the middle of the night, I quickly learned how important it was to wake myself up before I comforted her.

I moved her bassinet to my husband’s side of the bed so I had to walk across our cold floor to get to her. I sat on the floor to feed her and rock her, and I put the TV on to keep myself awake until I could put her safely back to sleep.

You’ll quickly learn the tricks that work for you. Do whatever you need to do to keep yourself sane and your baby safe.

12. Don’t get caught up in timelines. 

There are tons of milestones babies are supposed to hit in their first year, and as a special education teacher, I found myself especially aware of them because I wanted to make sure I picked up on any issues as soon as possible. 

According to the charts, my daughter grabbed for toys late. She held her head up on her own early. She babbled early.  She rolled early. She did everything else right on time. But realistically, she was right on time for every single one of these things because she did them when she was ready.

Unless there is a significant delay and your pediatrician is concerned, don’t stress.  Sometimes your baby will be a couple weeks late on a milestone, other times they’ll be early, and they might be right on time. But don’t make yourself crazy unless you actually have something legitimate to worry about.

13. Find songs you and your baby both like. 

Babies love music and singing, and some baby songs are, to be honest, a bit grating.  Or they get stuck in your head to the point where they make you crazy, like “Baby Shark.”  But some are great, like Raffi’s “Baby Beluga” and “Baa Baa Black Sheep.” 

So play the ones you love and be glad your baby will forget about the ones you don’t. And play the regular songs you love too, because your baby will enjoy those just as much as baby songs. 

14. Sleep becomes a precious commodity, but you need less than you think. 

Your baby will sleep a more and more as time goes on, but those first few weeks are rough.  Once your baby settles into a fairly consistent sleep routine, you can build your sleep schedule around it.

But remember that this is fleeting, your baby will eventually sleep more, and you’ll get more sleep eventually too. At least until sleep regressions, but those don’t last forever either.

Some days are harder than others, and on those late nights and early mornings, it helps to take a deep breath and ground yourself before you go in. And make sure you have plenty of coffee on hand!

15. Listen to your gut and do what feels right to you. 

You have maternal instincts, and they kick in when you meet your baby.  You’ll feel so protective of your little one, and because of that, you’ll put some demands on the people who come to your home and visit with your baby.

Set the boundaries that you feel comfortable with. Don’t be afraid to speak up and ask for what you need. Your baby can’t self-advocate, so you are their advocate.

Unfortunately, everyone has an opinion, and surprisingly many feel the need to share it with you when you make a request. But that’s their issue, not yours. You know what’s best for your own baby.

16. Things will hit you differently than they did before.  

Having a baby softens your heart. News stories, TV plotlines, and books will trigger a far more emotional reaction than you’re used to, especially in the first few months after you have your baby.

Be prepared to cry a LOT. Happy tears, sad tears, angry tears -basically all the tears. And new things will make you cry. I know I cried every time someone announced a pregnancy for the first year after I had my daughter.

Embrace the happy tears, but avoid the sad ones when you can. Tragic stories will stick with you longer, especially when children are involved.

When horrible things happen in real life, it’s okay to let yourself feel the devastation. The way you look at historical events will change too, so be prepared for stronger reactions, even to events you’ve learned about many times before.

But when it’s fiction and writers harm a fictional child for a cheap emotional plotline? Time to change the channel. There are plenty of other options out there.

17. If you don’t feel right, speak up.  

When I went for my postpartum check up, I completed a questionnaire designed to screen for postpartum depression and anxiety. 

Naturally, being a special education teacher who regularly administers and scores assessments, I read the instructions and scored it myself.  Scores above 9 were of concern, and I scored an 8. However, I knew I had been experiencing postpartum anxiety.

When I gave my doctor the assessment, I told her my concerns, and she immediately gave me a referral for a counselor specializing in postpartum anxiety.  Had I not spoken up, I would’ve masked my symptoms during my appointment and not received the help I needed.

I’m sharing this so that if you’re feeling the same way, you know you’re not alone. Please, if you don’t feel like yourself mentally or physically, talk to someone you trust.

18. You’re going to be a different mom than you thought you’d be.

Everyone imagines the mom they will be, but often, the reality is very different from the expectations. As much as you may hope to home cook 3 meals a day, 7 days a week, craft adorable decorations for your nursery, and follow every piece of advice on Instagram, it may not work out that way.

Instead, set realistic expectations. At the most basic, all that matters is that you and your baby are happy and cared for. Everything else is extra.

Try to set one or two goals each day and work toward them. Be kind to yourself if you don’t accomplish them, and take advantage of days where you have the time and energy to do more.

Also, realize that the ideal mom you built in your mind isn’t the perfect mom for your baby -you are! You will learn your baby’s needs and know them better than anyone. You’ll make up little games with your baby, cheer them on, and help them grow. And isn’t that better than anything you could’ve planned anyway?

19. Celebrate the small things just as much as the big things. 

There will be so many milestones your baby hits that are not part of any chart.  The first time they talked to you in their own language, the first time they kicked their little keyboard on their play mat, the way they wakes up smiling every day…these are the little unofficial milestones that mean just as much as the ones we look for.

20. Your baby will teach you so much. 

The first night nurse we had after Rae was born was so helpful and reassuring.  She said babies are “clever little creatures” and that they always know exactly what they need. 

Her words have proven to be incredibly true, and if you pay close enough attention, your baby will tell you exactly what they want every time. 

Sometimes you won’t pick up on it right away, and you’ll guess wrong, but as soon as you figure it out, your baby will be back to their smiley self again.

But more than that, babies teach you how to enjoy small moments and how to be still.  They reinforce the importance of snuggling. Time spent with them in your arms is never wasted, even if there are a million other things you could be doing.

And babies forgive so quickly! One minute, they’ll be angrily screaming at you over a dirty diaper, and the next they’re cooing and enjoying their dry outfit, all frustration forgotten.  We could all learn from that.

They’ll teach you something every day, and you’ll never forget their lessons.

For more support for new moms, check out these 9 exceptionally helpful resources.

What do you hope to learn as a new mom? Experienced moms, what do you wish you knew going in? Please share in the comments below!