Teach Mom Learn

Every mother wants her daughter to grow up confident and strong. We want them to be kind to themselves, to know their value, and to have meaningful, healthy relationships.

But raising girls (and honestly, any child these days) is hard. There are influences everywhere that subtly (or obviously) tear down their self-esteem and make them question themselves.

Girls are supposed to be so many things -beautiful, smart, athletic, accomplished, talented, basically perfect in every way. Social media has only made them feel more pressure as seemingly flawless influencers share endless streams of perfect images.

It’s human nature to compare ourselves to others, but these comparisons to unrealistic standards are detrimental to our daughters. With the easy access to every possible form of media, it’s impossible to thoroughly monitor what are daughters are being influenced by on a daily basis.

What we can control is the way we raise our daughters. We can help them learn to assert and trust themselves young, to own who they are, and to be accountable for their actions.

Here are 10 lessons we can teach our daughters early to help them grow up to be confident and strong:

1. Be kind -to a point

Girls learn from a young age that it’s their job to be kind to others and to make sure they feel comfortable.  Even if someone insults you, teases you, or makes you upset, you’re supposed to ignore it.  

But that’s not fair to our daughters. 

Our girls need to learn that while it’s never okay to lower yourself to a bully’s level, there is nothing wrong with asserting yourself.  The right thing to say varies with the situation, but insults and swearing make you lose all credibility.  Keep your language direct.

They need to remember that respect and kindness are earned.  And while we should be cordial to everyone we meet, we have no duty to be kind to those who are unkind to us.

Bottom line -if someone is being cruel to you, don’t be cruel back, but don’t just sit there and take it.  Stand up for yourself in a calm, appropriate way. And don’t be afraid to simply walk away. There is no need to tolerate bad behavior.

2. You can cry -but not in front of those who want you to

Our daughters need to know that there are going to be moments when people hurt their feelings or frustrate them to the point where they want to cry.  And crying is completely okay.

But the last thing you want to do is cry in front of those people.  It lets them know that they got what they wanted -to make you upset.  Don’t let them win. 

What I’ve found helpful is to have a mental countdown to when I can cry. Reminding yourself that you just have to hold it in for 5 minutes makes it easier to get through almost any scenario.

3. Set clear, concrete boundaries

The older I get, the more I realize that women are raised to sacrifice their own boundaries to make others feel comfortable.  We’re supposed to be the hosts, to welcome everyone, to take care of others. Our daughters’ generation is the one where we fix this. 

Our daughters need to know that when people make us feel uncomfortable, we have every right to set a limit. No one will do it for them, so they need to feel comfortable asserting themselves.

We need to teach them to set limits, to take space, and to be assertive when they need to be. And there are many ways to set limits.

Sometimes, simply asking for what we want or stating what we need works perfectly. Other times, nonverbal limits can be extremely effective. If you’re uncomfortable at a gathering, go for a walk or look at a garden. Wear earbuds at work or in the grocery store. Leave your phone on do not disturb mode for hours while you focus on the world around you.

Our girls need to learn how to establish these boundaries and to stick to them. They should never hesitate to take control in their lives.

4. Put yourself first

Women are consistently taught to sacrifice for others. We’re supposed to take care of the ones we love at the expense of our own needs and sense of self. And while caring for others is incredibly rewarding, there need to be limits.

Our daughters need to know that self-care is essential to mental and physical health. They need to make time to do the things that are important, to explore their own interests, to develop their passions.

They need to find partners who will support them in these moments and to consciously seek relationships where their significant other is just as invested in their success and their family as she is. By finding someone who shares and supports their goals, they will be able to dedicate so much more time to what truly matters to them.

5. Trust your instincts

I’m not saying our instincts are right 100% of the time, but our daughters need to know that they are worth paying attention to. If they feel uncomfortable or unsafe, they need to get themselves out of whatever they are.

They need to have trusted friends, family, teachers, and mentors they can turn to. And they need to know that they will never be judged for their concerns by the ones they trust.

We need to raise our daughters to listen to the voice in their head, to trust that uneasy feeling when they go into high alert. We need them to know that in these moments, they should never worry about hurting anyone’s feelings or seeming awkward. They need to prioritize their own safety.

6. Social media is a curated life, not reality

Have you ever seen this video, Are You Living an Insta Lie? We should be showing our daughters this every single day. 

Social media allows people to share a curated version of their lives, and too often, we compare ourselves to someone else’s heavily edited life.  The result is frustration, a lack of confidence, and feelings of inadequacy. 

My mother describes it particularly well. She says social media is an elongated selfie. No one shares a selfie without perfect hair, makeup, clothing, and lighting. And no one shares a post unless it helps to create the illusion they want their life to actually be.

Ultimately, there are 2 questions our daughters should ask themselves when they fall victim to social media jealousy: Why is this bothering me? And am I happy enough in my own life to let it go?  While the answer to the first question will vary greatly, “yes” is the only acceptable response to the second one.

If they’re not happy enough in their own lives to let go of jealousy, even knowing they’re jealous of a carefully crafted post and not that person’s actual life, it’s time to re-evaluate and make a change.

If we are explicit about the dishonest nature of social media early, our daughters will be better able to distinguish between actual reality and enhanced reality. 

And if we work with them to analyze the reasons behind their envy, they will be able to focus on what they need in their own lives to be happy and fulfilled rather than being caught up in others’ illusions.

7. People are supposed to listen to you when you say no

This is a big one, and it does not just apply to boys in dimly lit rooms. Our daughters have voices, and those voices should be heard and valued. 

Even when they’re young, we need to respect our daughters’ autonomy. There are situations where young children say no and their request will be ignored, especially when their safety is involved. But when they can make choices, such as what they want for dinner or what they’d like to wear, let them make that choice.

As they grow older, listen to them. Understand why they’re saying no to something. And if they have a valid reason, respect their wishes. Make sure they know that others should do the same.

The more we teach our daughters what it means and how it feels to be respected, the more they will come to expect this behavior from others.

8. Be your authentic self

In school and college, there is so much emphasis on being cool. Everyone is supposed to like the same things and dress the same way because it’s easier to fit in.

Here’s the thing our daughters need to know -all those weird quirks? Those unusual interests? Those are the kind of things that the right people will love about them.

Cool goes out the window after college. At that point, you finally get to choose who you spend your free time with because you’re not in forced social situations anymore. And those people will value everything about you.

But to get through high school, find the people you can be yourself around. Find the kids who make you smile, who find you funny, who laugh with you. These are the friends you’ll have long past graduation.

To find these friends, the best thing our daughters can do is lean into their unique interests. Joining clubs, teams, and volunteer groups they’re passionate about will help them to find like-minded people. We need to encourage them to seek out these opportunities!

9. Choose your friends wisely

It’s no secret that kids and teenagers can be cruel to each other. Anyone who’s made it out of high school without being bullied is in a very lucky minority.

In life, we don’t choose our families, our coworkers, our neighbors, our in-laws, or plenty of others we spend our time with. Pretty much the only people in our lives we actually choose are our friends and our significant others. So those choices should be made very wisely.

Our daughters need to know that the right friends will treat them with kindness and compassion. They’ll share interests and laughs, they’ll be loyal, and they won’t hesitate to stand up for one another.

The right friends will help them make the right choices and stay out of potentially dangerous situations. They will drag them out of boys arms in bars at 3AM because they know it isn’t safe to go home with a stranger. They’ll make sure that everyone sticks together because there is safety in numbers.

We need to teach our daughters not only to find these good friends, but to be these good friends.

10. Never diminish your accomplishments

There’s a weird culture among women, and especially teenage girls, where confidence is seen as arrogance.  When someone says thank you, say you’re welcome.  Don’t spend 5 minutes explaining why their compliment is undeserved.

Our daughters need to learn to own their accomplishments. They worked hard for them, so they should be proud.

I’ve found myself doing this countless times.  My job? Luck. My Master’s degree? A necessity for my job.  My undergraduate GPA? The one I basically gave up my social life for so I’d graduate summa cum laude? Just doing what I was supposed to do.  My home? More luck. My relationship? Just really good timing.

But the truth is, every single one of those accomplishments was the result of hard work.  So I’m done belittling them. I got my job because I paid my dues for 3 years at the most challenging school I will ever work in. I worked full time and put myself through graduate school and still graduated magna cum laude, and I am proud of that. 

My undergraduate GPA was the result of endless hours of work and research. My home came after 3 years of effort. My relationship will never stop requiring hard work from both of us.

Our daughters need to take pride in their accomplishments, to remember how hard they worked. When they get a compliment, they smile and say thank you. They deserve to be happy, and those who love and care about them will be so glad to share in their joy.

11. There is no correct timeline

It seems like everyone has a timeline in their minds. If you have any old “25 Things to Accomplish Before You Turn 25” lists, take a look back to see what you thought was realistic by such a young age. It’s pretty entertaining!

I thought I’d be a married, CEO/home-owner on the charitable board of a hospital with a baby, a dog, and a cat. Instead, I was starting a job I love, finishing up a master’s degree, and one year into a relationship that would one day become a marriage.

Operating off a timeline sets unrealistic expectations and adds unnecessary stress to our lives. It impairs our judgement because we make choices based on our ideal rather than our reality.

Our daughters need to know that the things that matter in our lives happen when we’re ready for them. And the only way to be ready is to live our lives, to gain experience, and to work toward our goals.

What lessons do you want to teach your daughters? What do you hope they grow up to be? Please share in the comments below!