Teach Mom Learn

There is something so entertaining about the toddler phase.  Kids really seem to come into their own, and we get to see so much of their personalities every day.

Toddlers are tiny, but they are feisty! They know exactly what they want.  And with their combination of determination, impulsivity, and fearlessness, they are willing to do anything to get it!

As adorable as these little lovebugs are when they’re growling like bears, climbing the furniture, or doing whatever it is they’re not supposed to, we have to intervene and help them learn how to stay safe and act appropriately.

Molding behavior is a long-term process.  No one intervention is going to suddenly, magically change everything.  But the more strategies you can add to your toolbox, the more confident you’ll be working through challenges.

Here are 11 teacher tricks to help manage your child’s behaviors:

1. Save no and yelling for when you really need it

Teachers learn early that yelling is generally an ineffective behavior management strategy.  Sometimes, it damages relationships because the students become afraid of their teacher.  Or, if they yell too often, the kids get so used to it that it has no impact.

It’s the same for parents, and it’s especially evident when one parent is a yeller and the other isn’t. Think about what happens when the yeller shouts to their children.  No one listens, the kids are so used to it that they just keep doing what they’re doing.

But what about when the non-yeller yells? In that moment, the kids stop immediately and are far more likely to listen. 

Save yelling and stern language for moments when it is absolutely necessary.  If any child’s safety is in question, or if your child is harming a person or pet, feel free to be loud and impactful.  But for smaller issues, gentle reminders in a calm tone work perfectly.

2. Use simple, direct language

When you’re trying to manage behavior, you want to engage as little as possible to minimize the attention the negative behavior gets.  You also want to make sure that when you do engage, it’s effective.

Simple commands are the best way to go.  Similar to the information in this Toddler Talk post, always focus on what you want your child to do rather than what you want them to stop doing. 

If they’re jumping on the couch, tell them to get down.  If they’re hitting, tell them to have safe hands.  Toddlers can process short, simple sentences with familiar language far faster than long directives.

3. Understand the ABC Data

Behavior is a means of communication.  Understanding what your child is trying to tell you is an essential part of responding to it and, when necessary, modifying it. 

This Teacher Tricks to Deal with Difficult People post discusses ABC data (Antecedent-Behavior-Consequence) in great detail.  This information is relevant to toddlers as well.  When your toddler acts out, identify what happened immediately before the behavior (the antecedent).  Once you know what triggered their outburst, you’ll be able to come up with a plan to manage it in the future.

The consequence of their behavior is critical as well.  Often, our reactions perpetuate our child’s behavior.  For example, if your child throws cheese on the ground in an attempt to feed your pet, you’ll probably laugh. That reinforces the behavior, and now your toddler will do it all the time. 

Your toddler loves attention and seeing your reactions to what they do.  Recognizing that your reaction influences the frequency of their behaviors can help you respond more carefully in the future.

Holding in a laugh is hard work! Trust me, as a teacher and a mom, I feel like I spend half my time fighting to keep a straight face.  Students will do almost anything to get their teachers to laugh, and toddlers are no different! But if you can remain neutral when your child misbehaves, it will make your life easier!

4. Prep your child ahead of time

One major source of behaviors for individuals of all ages is anxiety.  And one of the most common sources of anxiety is an unpredictable, uncertain situation. 

For toddlers, so much of what we’re used to is very new, and that can be overwhelming.  To help with this, talk to your child about the situation they’re getting into ahead of time.  Share who will be there and what will happen.

Keep your description simple and positive.  Remind them if the place, person, or activity is familiar.  Reassure them in any way you can, such as reminding them that you’ll be nearby.  Point out the fun they will have or anything positive you can find about the situation.

Sesame Street’s song “Two Different Worlds,” which features Ed Sheeran, is a fantastic example of this. The song explains how the way a child acts at school is different from how they act at home. It models appropriate behavior in a fun, engaging way.

If your child is going into an unpleasant situation, such as a doctor’s visit, focus on the after.  Remind them that you’ll be with them the whole time, talk to them about how kind their doctor is, and promise them something fun when they’re done.

If your child is due for a shot or something equally unpleasant, emphasize how quick it will be.  Then, even as the shot is happening, begin to praise them for being brave and remind them of the reward that’s coming.

5. Use positive reinforcement

Positive reinforcement is a powerful tool, and you probably already use it all the time without even realizing it.  The goal of positive reinforcement is to give your child something good as the result of good behavior. 

Positive reinforcement is the most effective way to mold behavior.  One of the easiest means of positive reinforcement is praise.  Give your child specific praise when they do the right thing, especially if you know it was hard for them.  And don’t be afraid to go over-the-top with your praise, your toddler will love it!

Positive reinforcement can be tangible and visible as well.  When your child is old enough to understand cause and effect, you can start to teach them that they can earn something they want by following rules and directions.

Sometimes, the positive reinforcement can be quickly and easily earned, such as promising your child ice cream after a shot at the doctor’s. And once you promise a reward, you have to follow through.  Otherwise, your child won’t buy into future rewards you offer.

For long-term challenges, things like sticker charts, barometers children can color in to measure progress, and other visual supports can be highly motivating for older toddlers and preschoolers.  Once they reach a specific spot in their chart, they earn their reward. 

You can even give them a menu of preferred rewards to choose from.  Make sure the options you list are highly motivating. 

6. Give them the illusion of control

Many toddlers enjoy being the boss.  They are determined little people, and when they’re in a particularly stubborn mood, giving them the illusion of control can be a powerful tool. 

It’s all about the language you use.  If you ask a picky eater, “What would you like for dinner?” you’re going to get answers like “chicken nuggets” or “unicorn food.” 

But if you get specific and ask, “Would you like macaroni and cheese or spaghetti and meatballs for dinner?” they get to feel like they’re in control, and you get to dictate the options (and sneak a ton of veggies into their meal!). 

Open-ended questions are endlessly entertaining for you and your toddler.  But they have their time and place.  When you’re in need of some buy-in, present options you like and honor their choice.

7. Use your child’s favorite characters

This is a common teacher trick.  When a child is misbehaving, pull their favorite character into the conversation.  Often, these characters set excellent examples of good behavior, so you can use them to help your child learn to navigate situations.

Ask them, “What did Moana do when she was angry?” or “What did Belle do when she was sad?”  Chances are, your child will have an excellent answer for you.  Then, you can remind them of this character’s behavior in the future and praise your child’s efforts.

You can also use characters for examples of bad behavior.  If a Beauty and the Beast enthusiast is yelling a lot, ask them how Belle felt when Beast screamed at her.  Your child will tell you she was scared or angry.  Then, the next time they start to yell, remind them of this and encourage them to use a calm voice instead.

8. Focus on empathy

While the consensus seems to be that children develop empathy around age 2, many children display elements of empathetic behavior far earlier.

Empathy is an excellent skill for every child to have.  The more opportunities they have to put themselves in someone else’s place, the better.  Look at inappropriate behavior as teachable moments to develop this empathy.

First, make sure your child understands basic emotions and can recognize verbal and nonverbal cues for sadness.  Then, the next time they physically lash out at you, say “ouch!” convincingly.  Then, cue them to be nice to you and demonstrate the appropriate behavior on them, such as gently patting the place where they hit you.

Usually, the facial expression and physical contact help to snap children out of their outbursts.

You can also use empathy when your child makes a peer upset.  For example, if they hit a friend and the friend gets upset, go over and talk calmly to your child.  Show them the evidence of their peer’s sadness or hurt feelings (e.g., crying, yelling, running away, etc.).  Tell them that their friend is sad and explain why they’re feeling this way.

Then, remind them that we need to be kind to our friends.  Help them apologize and recover the relationship.

These aren’t lessons any child will learn overnight.  However, with practice and consistency, your child will learn to recognize the impact of their actions on others.  And this lesson will serve them well long after toddlerhood.

9. Be aware of tone and body language

Toddlers (and most children) are adept at reading body language.  Ask any teacher -if you’re having a bad day, the kids will pick up on it in .27 seconds.

When you become frustrated with your toddler, they know.  They see it in your face and the clenching in your body.  And when you’re upset, it makes them upset.  They can hear it in your voice too.

To remedy this, if you feel yourself getting frustrated, take deep breaths.  Practice a mindfulness exercise in your head.  One helpful grounding exercise involves doing a quick run through of what each of your 5 senses are experiencing to help you stay focused in the moment.

By remaining a calm presence for your toddler, you’re creating a safe space for them to feel their feelings and calm down when they’re ready.  The process can’t be rushed, but if you’re able to remain neutral, you won’t exacerbate things for them.

10. Try planned ignoring

Planned ignoring is a common teacher tactic for managing students’ behavior.  The premise is simple -if a child is acting out (in a harmless way) for attention, simply ignore the behavior rather than reinforcing it with your reaction.

This strategy works especially well if there is another child nearby who is exhibiting the appropriate behavior.  Rather than comment on what the misbehaving child is doing wrong, instead praise the second child for what they’re doing right.

Use specific, meaningful praise that both compliments and explains the correct behavior.  Once your child realizes they will get more attention for doing the right thing, they’ll change their behavior quickly!

11. Acknowledge and validate their feelings

Your little love is a bundle of emotions, and they don’t have the capacity to process and manage their big feelings without help.  Their emotions can quickly become overwhelming.

Have you ever been in a fight with someone? And you’re in the middle of yelling or crying when the thought suddenly hits you –how did I even get to this point? Or do you know how it feels to be hangry and overwhelmed by stress at work at the same?

That is the level your toddler is operating at.  And they don’t know what to do with these intense feelings, so it often comes out as yelling, screaming, crying, kicking, or other tantrum behaviors.

To help your child in these moments, you need to acknowledge and validate their feelings.  You can tell them you understand and you love them.  Label their emotions and state why they’re feeling them (E.g., “I understand, you’re mad because you wanted grapes, but all we have are strawberries”).  You can offer a solution, but sometimes it’s better to just let them feel their feelings.

Assure them that you love them and tell them you will be there with a big hug when they’re ready.  And then let them be.  They’ll come to you when they’re ready.  Let them take their time.

What are some strategies that have helped you manage tricky toddler behaviors? Please share in the comments below!