Teach Mom Learn

If there’s anything new moms know, it’s that everyone has an opinion. Your friends and family will start offering you unsolicited advice the second you tell them you’re pregnant (and often even before that). Once you start showing, even strangers share their thoughts with you.

While well-wishes and positive stories are wonderful, many comments overstep. As moms, we know this better than anyone.

In my experience, I’ve found two types of moms -supportive moms and unsupportive moms. It’s easy to tell the difference between the two.

Supportive moms tell you about their births in a positive way. Even if it was challenging, they take no delight in sharing the gory details. Unsupportive moms treat their births like a ghost story at a campfire and get immense joy from watching you squirm.

Supportive mom normalize your experiences and help you navigate them. Even if they didn’t experience what you did, they will still be kind and compassionate. And they will never make you feel bad about your struggles.

Unsupportive moms brush off your feelings and don’t actually listen to what you have to say. They’re more concerned about how perfect they are.

As a new mom, it’s important to recognize which people in your life fall into each category. I feel fortunate to have many supportive mom friend and family. I would have been lost without them.

As an experienced mom, it’s important to speak up against the unsupportive moms when you see them in action. When they say something wrong or dismissive, step in. The new mom is overwhelmed enough, and we should do everything we can to help her feel that she is enough.

Sometimes, we may not realize the impact of our words. Even those with the best intentions can say the wrong thing. We’re repeating advice we’ve heard and don’t realize its impact on others, or we genuinely believe we’re being helpful.

It is critical to be hyper aware of what we say around pregnant and new moms. These life phases are wonderfully rewarding in so many ways, but they are overwhelming too. The last thing anyone needs is make a new mom’s life harder.

Here are 10 outdated pieces of advice we really need to stop giving -and 10 updates to help new moms feel much more supported:

1. Don’t say: “Breast is best” to a mom having issues with breastfeeding.

Every pregnant woman and new mother hears this on an endless loop. For many, breastfeeding works. And there is legitimate science demonstrating the benefits of breastmilk. However, it is important to remember that breastfeeding does not work for everyone.

These women, after hearing “breast is best” roughly 17 million times, definitely don’t need to hear it again. And they really don’t need judgement on their decision to feed their babies formula.

Instead of repeating this advice for the 17,000,001st time, consider “fed is best,” or better yet, “I’m here for you.”

2. Don’t say: “Sleep when the baby sleeps.” This works well for moms who are able to fall asleep easily. But for those of us who can’t, we end up panicking about the 40 minutes we have to sleep before the baby wakes up.

We lie there, awake, stressed, and asking ourselves why we can’t sleep like everyone else. We ask ourselves what’s wrong with us, and wonder if we’ll ever feel rested again.

For some moms, napping during naptime works. For others, it’s a better use of time to shower or exercise. Still others will clean their homes and catch up on emails.

Ultimately, naptime is a time for self-care. The new mom should be comfortable doing whatever she’d like to ensure that she is rested and ready for her baby’s waking hours. Even scrolling through Instagram for a solid hour is a completely acceptable use of time!

Instead, try “Sleep when you can” or “Use naptime to take care of yourself!” Even better, if it’s possible, offer to come over and help so that she can get some real rest.

3. Don’t say: “The way you’re feeling is normal” when you have reason to believe that it’s not.

After you have a baby, it’s normal for your emotions to be all over the place. I remember going on a doomsearching rampage one week, crying what felt like every 10 minutes the next, and feeling deliriously happy every time my little nugget fell asleep in my arms throughout all of it.

It got to the point where Tom created a new verb: emotional rollercoastering. But I got help, and it helped me so much. I’ve said it in other posts, and I’ll say it many many more times, but seeking help from a qualified therapist is always a good idea.

When you’re in the middle of being a brand-new mom, it is so hard to know the line between normal hormones and something more serious. However, experienced moms know that sometimes, it’s more than just unregulated hormones.

If you have a sense that the new mom in your life is experiencing something more substantial than the standard adjustment to life with a baby, say something. Be supportive, let her know that you are there for her, and encourage her to get all the help she needs.

4. Don’t say: “9 months on, 9 months off” to anyone, ever.

Gaining weight during pregnancy is very stressful for many women. And while all comments about weight and size are inappropriate unless they’re compliments, people still feel the need to make them.

The old “9 months on, 9 months off” thing is an unfair stressor for women. Sometimes, it takes more than 9 months to lose baby weight. Sometimes, it takes far less. And sometimes, your baby weight never completely comes off because growing a human being inside you changes your body forever.

The people who make comments like this have no idea how much frustration and embarrassment they can cause. Instead, try telling the new mom in your life that she looks great.

5. Don’t say: “You better get going on the next one!”

Every mom I know has heard this many times. The first time I heard it was Christmas Eve, when Rae was less than 4 weeks old. I’ve even seen it in comments on Facebook when friends post pictures of their adorable babies.

There are many excuses for this advice, and we’ve heard them all: kids will be closer if they’re closer in age, get them out of the way while you’re young, once your baby grows up, you’re not going to want to do it again…and the list goes on.

Deciding when and whether to have another baby is a deeply personal choice. Some moms are content with 1 child. Some want to have as many babies as they can as quickly as they can. Others want to space them out. And still others desperately want another child but can’t get pregnant again.

Instead, comment on the new mom’s adorable new baby and enjoy this time with her. Ultimately, her family size and schedule are decisions that are solely hers and her partner’s. No one has any right to question or pressure.

6. Don’t say: “That’s ridiculous.”

Remember being a new mom? And everything was scary and overwhelming? And you had no idea what was going on? And you called the pediatrician every time your baby looked at you funny?

Yup, me too!

New moms are nervous enough, they don’t need their fears dismissed in a caustic way. They need to feel supported and validated in their concerns while simultaneously getting the right advice to keep their babies safe.

Instead, ask the new mom what’s motivating her feelings or actions. Then, help her navigate the situation, sharing resources as needed.

7. Don’t say: “Oh, they slapped/bit/pulled your hair? Just do it back to them!”

I can’t understand why this advice still comes up! Babies (and toddlers, for that matter) have no idea the harm their actions cause. All they know is that they’re mad and they’re acting out.

Or, if they’re pulling your hair, they’re just developing their motor skills. They don’t know it hurts, they’re just fascinated by their ability to grab the mysterious fuzz coming out of your head!

In these moments and every moment, physical abuse is not the answer. What a child is doing is reactive. It’s not abuse because they’re not capable of abuse. Their parents, on the other hand, are adults. They know better.

Instead, advise the new mom to use an age-appropriate strategy with her child. For babies, say, “Do nice!” or “Be gentle!” while you detach their hand from wherever they grabbed or pulled.

For toddlers, it’s okay to let them see that their actions have an impact on others. Say, “ouch!” with a sad face, then encourage them to be gentle or use safe hands.

8. Don’t say: “You’re not doing it right.”

New moms are doing the best they can. The last thing they need is judgement on anything they’re doing. There is a steep learning curve to being a parent, and the learning never ends!

Your new mom friend needs compassion, not criticism. Instead of making dismissive (and hurtful) statements, take the time to help.

Show them how to swaddle or puree baby food, or do whatever it is they’re struggling with. And tell them they’re doing great. They’re putting in the effort to do the best they can for their baby. They deserve your reassurance.

9. Don’t say: “I’m coming over!”

New moms are always in the middle of a million things, often overwhelmed, and generally not ready to drop everything and entertain.

Dropping into a new mom’s house is a horrible inconvenience. Many new moms will be far too polite to tell you, but I’m happy to do it for them. Even worse than the dreaded “drop by” is the “drop by with unexpected guests,” or still worse, the “drop by with the expectation of being fed and entertained.”

Always call or text the new mom with plenty of notice. And never tell her you’re coming over, ask her when a convenient time for a visit would be.

New moms are overwhelmed enough as it is, they don’t need to struggle through setting boundaries on top of everything else! Respect their time and space and be sure to be considerate of their needs.

10. Don’t say: any words of judgment to a struggling stranger.

Have you ever seen a new mom struggling to comfort her screaming baby in public? They’re flushed and embarrassed, doing the best they can to comfort their squirming, furious baby. And for some reason, in that moment, people feel the need to judge.

Worse yet, many feel the need to actually say something to this poor woman. Any mom who has been there knows exactly how much this stings.

Instead, when you come across a situation where a new mom (or any mom) is clearly struggling, be kind. Offer her something helpful if you have it, or even just smile sympathetically.

For more advice for moms, please check out these Teacher Tricks for Dealing with Difficult People and 12 Ways to Conquer Your Mom Guilt. And for more information about supportive mom friends, iMom’s Why the Right Mom Friends Really Matter is a great read!

What was the worst advice you heard as a new mom? Please share in the comments below!