Teach Mom Learn

Every person encounters their share of difficult people.  Some are luckily able to keep these individuals in the periphery of their lives, but others see people that bring them stress and discomfort far more often.

Teachers encounter difficult people just as often as everyone else, but I like to think that we’re a little less bothered by it.  That’s because many classroom management tips, tricks, and strategies are easily applied to situations outside the classroom.  

Here are 10 easy teacher tricks to help you manage the difficult people in your life:

1. Having difficulty setting boundaries? Give clear and consistent expectations.

Setting boundaries is a huge challenge for many people.  We get caught up in the idea that we need to be nice all the time, and setting boundaries is rude, mean, dismissive, or disrespectful.  That is so untrue!

Boundaries are very important.  They make us feel safe and comfortable, and they help us to be better prepared for stressful social situations.  This is especially important when dealing with difficult people because there is often anxiety and dread when you know an interaction with this individual is coming. 

Think like a teacher when people push your boundaries -be clear and consistent about your expectations for the people in your life.  And don’t make exceptions.  If the difficult person has any respect for you, they will adhere to your boundaries. 

If they don’t, and you let them get away with crossing the line, you’ve now lost any ability to hold that line in the future.  Difficult people prey on the exception to the rule.  They let that set the precedent. 

Let’s apply this logic to the classroom.  Say you are having issues with a student continually getting out of his seat.  You are frustrated because when he gets up, he wanders the room and distracts the other students during reading class.

In this scenario, the teacher would firmly but kindly tell the student that it is perfectly okay for them to take a walk, but they need to be respectful of their classmates when they do.  At this point, the expectation has been set. 

In a perfect world, the student would stay in their seat.  In the real world, the student listens to you seriously, sits down to read their book, and within 10 minutes, is back to their old tricks. 

If you let the student disrupt the room after your initial cue, you’ve shown the student (and your entire class) that your words hold no weight.  Many of the students will not feel the need to listen to you again.

Talk to the student again (calmly and respectfully, but sternly).  Explain that they can still walk around, but they cannot disrupt their classmates.  Then, add a negative consequence to their behavior that you can control and guarantee will happen.

Unrealistic threats undermine your credibility.  If you tell the student, “If you get out of your seat again, I’m going to fail you for the entire semester!” that is inappropriate, unreasonably harsh, and completely impossible to uphold.

However, if you tell the student, “If you get out of your seat and disrupt the class again, you and (the aide) are going to need to take a lap around the building together,” you are creating a realistic scenario.  The student will not want to go for a walk with their aide because they are feeding off the attention of their peers and don’t want their audience removed.

This consequence is negative, but it is not unreasonable or unrealistic.  And you can use this same tactic with difficult people in your life. 

Live Bold and Bloom has a fantastic article about 21 Heathy Boundaries everyone should set in relationships.  I would highly suggest reading through it because you many not realize how many boundaries you sacrifice in your relationships.  Awareness is the first step in regaining control over your own life.

One of the boundaries mentioned by the article is your right to say no to something you don’t want to do or something that makes you feel uncomfortable. 

Have you ever seen that episode of How I Met Your Mother where they talk about people being “on the hook”? It’s the idea that when someone is saying no to a relationship but they say something like, “this isn’t going to work right now,” the “right now” leaves the door open to possibilities.

Don’t do this.  Don’t waste the energy and stress it takes you to set a boundary by ruining it with your own version of “right now.” If you want to say no, say no.  Be clear, direct, and avoid anything that could be misinterpreted as waffling. 

And if the person violates your boundaries again, give them a real and appropriate consequence and stick to it.  Your boundaries are important and you deserve to have them. 

2. Frustrated with someone’s behavior? Look at the ABC data. 

Early on in graduate school, most special education teachers take a behavior analysis class.  In my opinion, it is one of the most important classes we ever take because it is so incredibly relevant to life both in and out of the classroom.

In this course, ABC stands for Antecedent – Behavior – Consequence.  Behavior is a means of communication, and whether they realize it or not, peoples’ behaviors tell us a lot about their motivations. 

When someone is consistently upsetting you with their behavior, begin to take data in your mind.  Each time the behavior occurs, ask yourself these questions:

• Antecedent -What was happening right before the behavior began?
• Behavior -What did the person do?
• Consequence -What was the response to this behavior? Were their consequences? Or was the reaction reinforcing (rewarding)?

I’d be willing to bet that you will see a pattern emerge very quickly. 

Imagine you have a friend or family member who pushes your buttons.  Most of us have at least one person like this in our lives.

Here’s an example of an unhealthy ABC cycle: they push your buttons, you get annoyed, and you yell at them.  Then, the two of you end up in an argument. 

When you take a step back and look at the data, you realize that before they begin pushing your buttons, they’re annoyed about something.  Maybe it’s you or maybe it’s an outside factor, but either way, if you’re there, you will become the target.

The consequence for their behavior is rewarding.  They are annoyed, and they want someone else to be annoyed too.  Now that you see the pattern, you can take steps to avoid giving them the reaction they want. 

The next time the button-pushing begins, remove yourself from the situation.  You need to go to the bathroom, you forgot your purse in the car, or the dog needs a walk.  Give whatever excuse you need to get some space.  Then, your button-pusher will have time to process their own feelings and cool down, and you won’t have been dragged down with them.

3. Feeling misunderstood? Try a new approach.

If you were teaching students how to solve fraction problems and they just weren’t getting what you were saying, what would you do? Would you just give up? Or would you attack the problem from a different angle?

As every teacher knows, there are many different ways to teach every concept, and no one way is universally correct. That’s because every student learns in a slightly different way and at their own pace. 

The same is true when dealing with a difficult person, or really anyone. When you feel misunderstood, re-evaluate your role in the conflict.  Could something in your communication (both verbal and nonverbal) be sending the wrong message?

Even if you can’t imagine how the individual could possibly misunderstand you, it’s still a good idea to try to communicate your point again, but in a different way. 

Maybe your delivery was too soft the first time, and you need to be blunter.  Or maybe it was the complete opposite.   Either way, changing up the way you’re communicating during a conflict can give you valuable insight into how others process information.

4. Ready to hit your limit? Take a breather.

Sometimes, teachers get frustrated at school.  For me, this happens about once a year.  Usually, it’s a combination of a lack of sleep (and coffee), a low frustration tolerance, and a high stress level.  Then, there is some minor annoyance and I feel less patient than I would normally be. 

In those moments, teachers have to find a way to navigate these feelings of frustration and not let them show.  Releasing negative emotions in the classroom is not appropriate, but bottling up the emotions isn’t healthy either.

Most commonly, in these moments, we simply need a break.  And the same is true when you’re about to lose it in real life. 

The next time you feel ready to hit your limit, take a deep breath and center yourself.  Remove yourself from the situation as best you can and give yourself some space from the difficult person.

Even if you’re stuck in a gathering (or a classroom) with the individual, you can still get space.  Excuse yourself politely, citing some task you need to accomplish immediately, and allow the individual to be distracted by someone (or something) else.

I recently had a fantastic training in which the presenter told us, “You can’t control your first thought, but you are responsible for every thought after that one.”  And it’s the same for your emotions.  You can’t control when you feel that spike of anger, but you can take the steps to react to it responsibly.

5. At a loss for how to solve a problem? Get a consult.

Teaching is a team-based profession, and special education is especially rooted in the idea that everyone on the team is a valuable contributor to a student’s success.  When I’m stumped on how to help a student in my classroom, I have a consultation with the student’s counselor so that we can work together to brainstorm a solution that works for everyone.

The same strategy works well outside of the classroom.  If you’re coping with problems that you just don’t know how to resolve, talk to someone with the skills to help you. 

In some scenarios, talking to a trusted family member or friend will help you get the perspective you need.  In others, you may need to see a counselor to fully work through an issue and develop coping strategies to help you better manage the problem in the future. 

Counseling is a safe place to help you grow as a person and overcome obstacles. I think everyone should check in with a counselor at least once a year, almost like a mental-health physical. 

However, if you’re uncertain about getting counseling and don’t feel comfortable confiding in a trusted friend or family member, there are other resources out there.  Podcasts, articles, and YouTube videos provide excellent information and coping strategies.  Just make sure the sources are legitimate!

Psychology Today is a fantastic website for any information you could ever need about different diagnoses and strategies.  They also have a database of counselors you can look through.  Also, for those struggling to manage conflict in your relationship, Kim and Penn Holderness from The Holderness Family Podcast share valuable insights and excellent advice. 

6. In the middle of an argument? Avoid a power struggle.

We’ve all been in power struggles.  I tend to notice them when there’s a lot of back-and-forth and more of a focus on winning than on resolving issues. 

Power struggles are completely inappropriate for the classroom because there is a clear hierarchy.  You are the teacher and they are the student, and ultimately, you have the authority.

Relationships, whether they’re familial, romantic, or friendly, are much blurrier.  Often, we’re arguing with equals, so there is no situation where you hold all the authority. 

When you start to see a power struggle emerging, end it.  You can do this by leaving and getting space (with the intent to try to resolve the issue later) or by being extremely direct.

Say something like, “Okay, this is starting to turn into a power struggle.  Let’s take a breath and try to get back to (the original issue).” 

By explicitly naming what’s happening, you are taking control of the situation.  If the power struggle continues even after this, table the discussion and take some distance.  Nothing gets resolved if people aren’t in the right place to truly work through the issues.

7. Spiraling out in a fight? Redirect to the original topic.

What teacher hasn’t gotten lost in a student tangent? It happens all the time.  One moment, you’re deep in discussion about The Great Gatsby, and the next, you’re talking about someone’s dog in great detail.

At school, this is very easy to manage.  I simply acknowledge that we got off track and redirect to the topic we were discussing to begin with. 

In an argument, it’s much harder.  You get caught up in your emotions, and what starts over trying to decide where to grab coffee spirals into something much bigger.  We’ve all had disagreements like this.

It’s so hard to recognize it when you’ve spun out completely, but every so often, you find yourself asking how you even got to this place.  Share that thought with the other person.

Diffuse the argument by saying something like, “I’m glad we’re talking about this, but we need to resolve (the original issue) before we can start to get into (the spiral).” 

That way, you’re validating the other person’s point and redirecting at the same time.  Eventually, you’ll tackle all the issues, but no one can handle them all at once!

8. Feeling like a victim? Don’t take it personally.

One of the first things teachers learn is to not take things personally.  This is especially true for special education teachers because, since we are the ones who are there to support students with attachment and personality disorders, we often become a target for their frustration, and sometimes, their aggression.

When a student is screaming at you, calling you names, or being physically aggressive with you, your first instinct is to take it personally and to feel hurt by their behavior.  But there’s no reason for that.

You may inadvertently trigger a behavior, but ultimately, the extreme reaction you receive is not your fault.  And honestly, it’s not the student’s fault either.  Behavior is a form of communication, and when the intensity of a reaction is far greater than the trigger, it’s an indication that there is much more going on under the surface.

The same is true outside of the classroom.  Have you ever made a mild comment that resulted in an explosive reaction? And you are stunned into silence because you have no idea where the rage or tears are coming from?

In those moments, chances are, it’s not you.  Or at the very least, it’s not just you.  Think of people like a volcano with lava bubbling right under the surface.  Some days are more volatile than others, and on those days, even the mildest crack can elicit a strong reaction. 

It’s hard to do, especially when a torrent of anger is being unleashed on you, but try to take a breath.  Recognize that their reaction has very little to do with you and very much to do with their own challenges.  Ask yourself what agitated them to the point where a minor offense could lead to such a turbulent response.

When you’re in a situation like this, as long as there is no physical harm involved, let the person rant.  They clearly need to release their anger, and once you realize it has nothing to do with you, it’s far less difficult to listen to. 

Once the person has deflated a bit, sit down with them.  Be compassionate.  Ask them about their day, their week, or just how they’re feeling.  Help them see where their heightened emotions are coming from.  And then, help them work through the problem with warmth and support.

9. Upset by a text, voicemail, or email? Don’t respond right away.

Sometimes, communication is very upsetting.  We’ve all gotten an email or text that resulted in tears, anger, or frustration.  And many people have received hostile voicemails.

In all honesty, I would take an unkind email, voicemail, or text over an unkind conversation any day.  Responding is on your own timeline rather than in real time.

Take the advice of an experienced teacher -don’t respond right away.  Give yourself time to gather your thoughts and calm your emotions and then respond.  My own personal rule is to wait until the next day.  A good night’s sleep is so helpful for gaining perspective.

Also, as my very wise boss once told me, if your response is going to be more than a paragraph, make it a phone call.  While some would interpret this as a reason to call and talk to people on a regular basis, I look at it differently. 

When dealing with a difficult person, I very much prefer the luxury of time.  I don’t want to have to react and respond instantly, I want time to process.  I take my boss’s advice every time -I keep my response brief but informative and direct. 

When we’re uncomfortable, we often feel the need to overexplain.  Doing that actually opens you up to more criticism and judgement.  By sticking to the facts and keeping things brief, you limit the possibility for misinterpretation.

10. Need to stand up for yourself? Do it the right way.

The idea of confrontation makes many people, myself included, extremely uncomfortable. We’ve been told our entire lives to be kind to others, and confronting a difficult person feels unkind. However, there are times when confrontation is unavoidable.

We often don’t know when these moments are coming. You’re having a normal conversation with the difficult person, relieved that things are momentarily going well, when a line is crossed. It feels as if you’ve been verbally slapped across the face, and you feel rage, sadness, or severe discomfort.

Because there’s no way to truly prepare for moments of confrontation, it’s best to ensure that you have some general rules to work with.

First, communicate like a teacher would to a misbehaving student. That means using a calm but stern tone and direct eye contact. The goal is to look confident and serious about what you are going to say.

It also means keeping your language respectful and appropriate. Teachers don’t swear, name-call, make snide comments, or say anything damaging to their students. Instead, they use direct language to call the behavior what it is.

This is the ideal strategy for confronting a difficult person. You cannot lower yourself to their level in any way or you will give them ammunition. By staying calm and respectful yet assertive, you are calling out their behavior without adding to the situation.

If you say, “How could you possibly say…..?” or “What is wrong with you?” or launch into the tirade brewing in your head, you’re entering into an argument. And that’s not what you want to do here. Statements like, “That was a terrible thing to say,” or “That was very inappropriate” are simple, effective, appropriate for adults, and don’t offer room for debate.

If you want to try a softer approach, you could always tell the person that although you’re enjoying their conversation, the current topic is making you uncomfortable. Then, ask if you could talk about some other subject they care about instead.

While students tend to apologize when confronted, difficult adults are far less likely. They will likely flounder, deny it, or become angry with you for suggesting that anything they did could possibly be wrong. Let them.

Silence, like wait time in a classroom, is powerful. Chances are, they will dig themselves in even deeper. And once again, let them. Do not engage, do not defend yourself or your feelings. You don’t need to, they know what they did and you arguing with them will not make them admit to being wrong.

If the argument continues, simply wait for the individual to take a breath, calmly say something along the lines of, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” and excuse yourself. If you were in the classroom, you would be responsible for fully resolving the conflict. As an adult outside of work, you are not. Sometimes, conflicts need to go unresolved.

I hope these strategies help you navigate challenging situations in your life. While difficult people are inevitable, having the tools to handle them effectively can greatly reduce their control over you. You deserve to be happy every day, and asserting yourself in a respectful way can help with that.

For other ways to take control in your life, please check out these 12 ways to conquer your mom guilt.

What are your best strategies for dealing with difficult people? Please share in the comments below!